Psychic Ability: The Best Skill a Freelancer Can Have

Being a freelancer these days has a lot of perks: you make your own work schedule and you can work from the comfort of your home, thus you can avoid messy office politics, getting stuck in commuter traffic and blowing your ever-shrinking “gig economy” earnings on a “business casual” wardrobe and workplace lunches.

Sure, there are some challenges to freelancing, like convincing clients that your rates are reasonable while they plead poverty or hide behind budget cuts, or getting them to pay you on time (or at all), or having to diplomatically push back on their requests for additional revisions or input that they don’t feel they should have to pay extra for.

Still, the biggest challenge I’ve found as a freelancer is my lack of psychic ability.

If you’re a freelancer, you may have noticed that your clients tend to fall into two categories:

  • Small businesses that need to hire you because they don’t have the in-house talent to do what you do (e.g., marketing, Web development, etc.).
  • Middle managers in mid- to large-size companies that have downsized their marketing or IT departments into oblivion who need you to help them get the work done (without having to offer you a steady salary or benefits).

Champagne Dreams on a Spam Budget

Small business clients don’t like budgeting for anything outside of their company’s inventory, so when they reach the painful conclusion that they need to hire you to help increase their brand’s visibility, your biggest challenge is usually managing their expectations.

Even if you find yourself pricing their projects on the low end of your rate scale and they can only offer you a limited amount of work, some clients will expect your handiwork to deliver astounding results in record time.

This is when the fun starts. With some small business clients, you can expect one or both of the following outcomes:

(a) You will spend the next three months asking for your money.

(b) Your client will continue to ask/expect you to do more work outside of the scope of your original agreement until they feel they got an adequate return on their investment. Some of us foolishly keep feeding this beast in the hope that someday these clients will actually pay us for the original work.

If you were psychic, you could avoid a lot of aggravation by knowing ahead of time who won’t pay you or who will likely run you into the ground making you “earn” your money.

I May Not Know What I Want…But I Know What I Don’t Want

Sometimes it’s easier to work with mid- or large-size businesses, because the  manager who hires you is more likely to process your invoice…unless they are so overworked that they keep forgetting to do so (which happens more often than is acceptable). Still, as long as they have the budget, you’re not likely to get any push-back or experience unreasonable haggling.

The biggest challenge of freelancing for larger companies is that the mid-level managers who tend to hire you are so overworked that even though they desperately need your help, they often don’t have the time to provide you with what you need to do the job right.

As their hired gun, you’re priority No. 59 on their long to-do lists…way below assisting their VPs and other important business stakeholders, planning the company United Way drive, booking their vacations, arranging their bimonthly date nights with their spouses, finding babysitters for their children or getting their dogs groomed.

Sometimes these clients don’t even know what they’re asking for, while other times all they know is what they don’t want. And woe to the freelancer who receives limited guidance and inadvertently submits what they don’t want.

These clients expect you to have the skill to write or develop exactly what they would, if they only had the time. So what if they’ve had months or years to become well-acquainted with their company’s business objectives, and to attend company-sponsored training and meetings on a regular basis when you haven’t? You oughta know what they’re looking for, anyway, dammit!

The Phantom Lucrative Project

Another potential pitfall of being hired by a large company is one I call “the phantom lucrative project.” A typical scenario involves you blocking out weeks to do a job after being hired by a large, reputable company. Sometimes, you’ll be so happy you got the gig that you’ll celebrate by going on a shopping spree for laptops, patio furniture…or food, if things have been tight for you financially of late.

Then, you hear nothing more from them. When you contact your client, you are given excuses as to why the project is being delayed (e.g., they were on vacation, the project still needs approvals that your client wasn’t aware weren’t in place when he or she hired you, etc.).

The fact that you turned down smaller projects to work on their mega-project doesn’t resonate with them. After all, these people get paid even when they’re working on their tans in Cabo.

Sometimes, if you’re really lucky, you’ll wait for weeks to start the project only to be told that it’s been canceled (again, for any number of reasons from budget cuts, to the need to move resources to a more important project, or the project has been mothballed so long it’s actually now irrelevant…or the sponsor was terminated).

Having the psychic intuition to avoid these phantom projects would help keep you that much further away from financial ruin.

Having a pay-or-play deal in place would also help. Unfortunately, unless you have a waiting list of clients or you’re regularly profiled by the top trade media in your field, that ship won’t sail. Your prospective client will just move on to another freelancer who will agree to grant the company the option of leaving them hanging without compensation. Ah, the joys of working in the “gig economy.”

Since I wasn’t born with psychic ability, I’ve decided that the best gift I can receive this Christmas is a crystal ball that can offset my psychic shortcomings…or better yet, a winning mega-jackpot lottery ticket that would get me out from under the freelancer-client bus for good.

No Bezos (kisses) at Amazon

I like a good scary story as much as the next person, but I can’t think of any piece of horror fiction in recent memory that has frightened me more than last week’s New York Times feature article about Amazon.

Anyone who has had a white collar job within the last 10 years is familiar with some of the workplace hazards alluded to in the article:

  • the annoying coworkers who like to email people at 2 am on weekends to prove/time stamp their dedication;
  • others who show up at the office at the crack of dawn and/or stay late;
  • the busybodies who like to provide unsolicited “feedback” (usually negative) about colleagues to superiors; or
  • colleagues who feel that humiliating you in meetings will spur you to achieve workplace excellence (this is usually the public explanation; the real reason is they either resent you or don’t like you).

Individually, these behaviors are annoying, but when they are ALL part of a company’s corporate culture…even codified in the employee handbook (check out Amazon’s 14 leadership principals), then you’re hitting horror story territory.

Bezos responded to fallout from the Times article by saying that he wouldn’t want to work for a company like the one described in the article. One can argue that he doesn’t, really, since as CEO, he isn’t subjected to the annual “culling” of staff, and no one in their right mind would dream of submitting secret feedback about him via the company’s Orwellian Anytime Feedback Tool (a widget in the company’s directory that employees are encouraged to use to submit praise or criticism about colleagues to management). Of course, Feedback Tool submissions are factored into the decision-making at the annual culling of Amazon’s overworked herd. Double-plus ungood.

Bezos likes his Feedback Tool so much, he’s invested in an HR software company that makes a similar product. So, in the near future, if you find yourself on the wrong end of a crappy performance review and lose your job, it may just be because the office psycho who doesn’t like you colluded with other office misfits to funnel tons of real-time negative feedback about you to your boss. Creepy, huh? Get ready; it’s coming.

So, is Bezos a driven visionary…a textbook bipolar CEO…a sadist…or all of the above? Who can say for sure? What is obvious is that, in his infinite, algorithm-loving mania, Bezos (whose name literally means “kisses” in Spanish) has reworked the KISS principle (Keep it Simple, Stupid) to mean, Keep it Stressful, Stupid. His fiefdom is truly a Darwinian dystopia on steroids.

I guess while we wait for the robots to take our jobs, corporate overlords like Bezos are going to bide their time by making us work like robots. That way, they can literally work us to death and we won’t be around to complain about losing our jobs to C-3PO in the near future. A recent study shows this isn’t that farfetched a concept.

A stroke of bad luck?

In recent years, we’ve been hearing more and more about uncharacteristically young people…folks in their thirties and forties…having strokes. Why, we wondered? Well, it turns out that Amazon’s top performers aren’t thinking long term when it comes to embracing the 80-hour workweeks that are the hallmark of Amazonian excellence.

Less than a week after the Times/Amazon article appeared, the London Guardian reported that scientists at University College London found that if you put in more than 55 hours a week at work, you have a 33 percent higher stroke risk and a 13 percent higher risk of having a heart attack than “slackers” who work only 35-40 hours a week.

What I want to know is, if you stroke out at your desk at Amazon, will Bezos offer you free shipping to the funeral home of your choice?

The Curse of the Bipolar CEO

The average person who suffers from bipolar disorder endures a lifelong struggle with mood swings and fluctuating energy levels, all while trying to maintain stable personal and professional relationships; not easy to achieve, to be sure.

Fortunately, many find relief with medication and the support of loved ones, and they can lead successful, fulfilling lives.

But what happens when a bipolar person is in a position of power and/or has achieved an impressive level of entrepreneurial success? Would you feel comfortable suggesting that they need to take their meds, if they feel they don’t…or to lash out at them if they call you at 3 a.m. to discuss their latest great idea?

If they sign your paycheck or you’re dependent on them financially in some way, odds are you wouldn’t. A LOT of CEOs, executives, and entrepreneurs are bipolar, and they are just as likely to be proud of it and acknowledge that their mania is the reason they are successful.

What they don’t always acknowledge is the collateral damage they often leave in their manic wake. But, hey, you gotta crack some eggs to make an omelet, right? Sadly, those of us who have had the misfortune of toiling for manic depressive leaders have been those eggs, and the yolk is often on us.

I’ve worked for more than my share of bipolar CEOs and executives, so it’s safe to say I had to reach for the Maalox more than once.

Bipolar giveth and bipolar taketh away

One manic depressive executive I worked under early in my career—let’s call her Dara—had my whole department in such a perpetual state of flux that we checked in with her executive assistant each morning to find out if Dara was up or down that day. Needless to say, no one approached her on “down” days, even when it was necessary.

The C-suite loved Dara, though…she was a straight-shooter…a risk taker….and she didn’t need (or want) to be micromanaged. Not surprisingly, those were not traits she ever wanted to see in us. Those who were foolish enough to try to emulate her were swiftly terminated.

We were paralyzed by her inconsistent direction and her fluctuating mood swings. Still, those of us who survived her manic meat grinder intuitively found a way to succeed, inadvertently ensuring that she remain gainfully employed.

What else could we do? Her bosses never bothered to investigate the psychological minefield that was her department.

The day did come, however, when she popped a wheelie on national TV and the powers that be got a very public glimpse at the personality we had struggled to manage for years. And just like that, she was gone, and we all heaved a spontaneously sigh of relief and broke out into a chorus of “Ding, dong, the witch is dead…

Of course, on some level, we felt bad for her, because we knew she was ill, but then again, she had pushed many of us to the brink of mental illness. And in our results-at-an-cost corporate culture, her impact on our mental and emotional well-being was low priority.

The CEO’s Disease

Years ago, psychologists labelled bipolar disorder “the CEO’s disease,” with reason. Numerous studies have found that the manic stage of the disease tends to breed successful entrepreneurs. A recent joint study between Stanford University and the University of Denmark confirmed earlier research, finding that successful people who are bipolar tend to be uber-successful, often earning much more than their peers.

The study also confirmed that the opposite is true for those who can’t effortlessly slide up the corporate ladder through nepotism or who don’t catch a lucky entrepreneurial brake: average bipolar Joes and Janes tend to make much less than their colleagues.

Donald Trump: The Elvis of bipolar CEOs

Unless you live in an underground bunker with no Wi-Fi, you’ve no doubt been exposed to the clown show that is Donald Trump’s presidential candidacy. Having grown up in New York City, I am more than familiar with this bloviator in a Mafia Don’s clothes.

Trump is a self-made business tycoon…because he tells you he is, but if you scratch off the cheap, gold paint (found in abundance at any Trump-owned property) you’ll find a string of failures and bankruptcies. He’s not even self-made; his father, a wealthy Brooklyn slumlord, greased his entrepreneurial wheels.

Trump parlayed his hubris and Rapunzel-like comb-over into mainstream success with “The Apprentice,” a TV show that allowed him to yell, “You’re fired!” at some hapless participant on each episode. One person’s humiliation became a control freak’s wet dream…and the nation was enthralled!

Now he has a significant lead over the cattle car full of Republican/globalist hand puppets running for president. And, why not? Unlike the others, he is a straight-shooter…a risk taker….a guy who says what many of us think, but won’t admit in polite company. Plus, he’s running on his own dime! Like the honey badger…the Donald don’t care.

This is a dangerous trap, because when it comes to this Elvis of bipolar entrepreneurs, rest assured, that for every one thing you like about him, there will be ten things that you will find appalling.

Bipolar CEOs are often adept at consensus building. If gifted with sufficient charm, they can get us so focused on their cause when in the throes of their mania, that we’re blinded by the toxic lead under the cheap paint.

This is why so many boardrooms end up putting these literal maniacs in charge of their companies, leaving those of us who owe our livelihoods to these human pendulums to cringe in uncertainty, and to live with the reality that today’s promotion can easily turn into tomorrow’s termination. Not fun.

Smart CEOs Know That Paid Time Off + Good Wages = Growth

They say you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar (although no one has ever explained why you’d want to). Apparently, you can also catch more revenue if you treat your employees like honeys.

Numerous studies have shown that fairly compensated workers are more loyal to their employers and more committed to growing their business. Research also shows that workers who are given, and encouraged to take, paid time off are more productive and enjoy better physical and mental health.

So, why are so many 21st century decision-makers hell bent on grinding their workers into pulp 24/7 at the lowest possible wage, stripping them of pensions and benefits, and outsourcing anyone they can? Did the “Successful CEO” handbook go out of print before an e-book could be produced?

Fortunately, there are a few visionary CEOs who get it, and they are reaping the financial rewards. Richard Branson tops the small, yet inspiring list.

Branson is not only reaching for the stars with Virgin Galactic, but he is a star to his employees. In a recent Inc. interview, Branson said you should “put your staff first, your customers second, and your shareholders third,” and his actions support these words. Branson’s latest act of employee generosity is to give new “Virgin” mothers and fathers up to a year of paid leave.

So, while most corporate leaders are “lowering admin costs” and dodging angry, unmotivated workers and frustrated shareholders, Branson is high-fiving his happy staffers and getting ready to fly to outer space…thanks to the buckets of money his motivated employees help him earn.

Then there’s Dan Price, CEO of Gravity Payments. This generous leader decided to raise the minimum annual salary of all 70 of his employees to $70,000 a year (nearly doubling the salary of many). Price bankrolled the move with three-quarters of the company’s profits and by cutting his own salary from $1 million per year to $70,000. He won’t give himself a raise until profits allow him to increase it.

Price would get along swimmingly with Centro CEO Shawn Riegsecker. His company offers employees with four years of service three-week paid sabbaticals. After taking a rejuvenating sabbatical, Riegsecker had an epiphany that his employees (and Centro) would benefit from enjoying a similar experience. Centro employees also get 10 “Ferris Bueller” days— they can take these vacation days for any reason.

Is Centro’s generous vacation/sabbatical policy hurting their bottom line? Actually, no. The ad software agency employs 600 people and enjoys continuous, impressive revenue growth.

Branson, Price, and Riegsecker aren’t just nice guys, they are good businessmen. As Riegsecker explains it: “I firmly believe that we’re moving in the world to a place where focusing on the happiness, health, well-being, and fulfillment of your employees is the number one determinant of success.”

True enough, especially when you consider that we have ample evidence that the “penny wise, pound foolish” business model is nothing more than economic cannibalism. Eventually, it eats everyone, even those at the top. At some point, CEOs of U.S.-based companies have to invest in their employees, so we can build a healthy, productive workforce that has money to spend.

In the interim, in the name of consistency, the reorganization/outsourcing junkies at the top of the corporate food chain should apply their “reorganization” plans across the board; not just to lower wage earners.

Since one of them is worth hundreds or more of us, their final act of corporate efficiency should be to outsource themselves in favor of cost-effective, innovative executives. And maybe, if we’re lucky, they will be replaced by leaders who follow Branson, Price or Riegsecker’s recipe for growth and enterprise-wide satisfaction.

Disney Slips its U.S. Employees a M-I-C-K-E-Y

If your Mickey Mouse ears are burning, it’s probably because you heard that Disney just committed the ultimate act of corporate douchebaggery.

Yes, the Mickey Mouse Club has closed its doors to 250 of its tech workers at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. No, their jobs weren’t eliminated; they have been replaced by contract workers imported by a company, HCL America, that helps U.S. companies hire cheap labor from overseas. HCL has been contracting with Disney since 2012.

The story doesn’t end there, though. According to the New York Times, the displaced U.S. workers were told to train their replacements; and if the new hires couldn’t perform their new duties after said training, the discharged employees would lose their severance pay and benefits.

The Times reports that 85,000 H-1B visas are issued in the U.S. each year, but it looks like that’s about to change. Companies like Microsoft, Facebook, and Google are lobbying to increase the number of visas issued, claiming that there aren’t enough “highly skilled” workers available to fill critical positions.

Well, since Disney just displaced a few hundred “highly skilled” tech workers, why not start there, Microsoft?

Too many of us have found ourselves on the losing end of an H-1B visa, often more than once. With Disney pushing the sweatshop envelope even further, it looks like things are about to get a lot worse.

Meanwhile, for those of us who are running out of financial and employment options, there’s only one thing left to do. We need fly to Mexico, walk across our wide open border, and pretend to be from another country. We may not be able to make as much money as we used to, but at least we can secure a nice, low-paying job and free healthcare (right, Obama?).

It’s a small world after all….

In HR, F— You is the New Normal

We should have known we were in trouble when companies across America decided to re-brand personnel departments with the chillingly impersonal moniker, “human resources.” Seemingly overnight, employees morphed from living, breathing members of a company’s “family” or “team” to disposable “resources” or widgets. And it’s even worse for job applicants.

These days, unless a company wants to hire you, their HR department treats you like you were some drunk they picked up at a bar. They take you home, have their way with you, mutter “I’ll call you” as they push you out the door, and you never hear from them again.

When you’re out of work, it’s hard enough to muster up the mojo to shower, shave (if necessary), and get all cleaned up to go to an interview…or two…or three (if you’re lucky), especially when you’re so comfortable in your sweats and t-shirts for weeks on end between interviews. You know what I’m talking about.

Then there’s the time and consideration spent on selecting and submitting samples/evidence of your talent. Preparing for an interview (or multiple interviews) doesn’t just take time, it takes money many of us can’t spare (gas for your car, if you’re driving to an interview or carfare, and dry cleaning or purchasing interview suits/clothes).

So, when you’re done with the dog and pony show and they decide you didn’t make the cut, why don’t HR recruiters call or  email you to let you know they hired someone else and to thank you for your time and interest? When did this professional courtesy become unnecessary?

What, they had a hot date with a PowerPoint presentation? They were distracted by the donuts in the break room? They needed to send out another useless United Way fundraising email to their underpaid employees? Are they all trying to hide the fact that they are more than functionally illiterate (although, this may be a likely reason)?

Like most of you, I’ve known and worked with my share of HR people and they don’t seem to be saddled with a lot to do.

And when they do appear busy, it usually comes at your expense. They tend to pull you away from your 50-hour work week for an URGENT meeting about the holiday party, or to set up a task force to determine whether the company should replace the Skittles in the vending machines with tofu chips.

Seriously, why can’t these people acknowledge the effort you made to audition for their company?

Sorry, HR people…there is no excuse. On behalf of unemployed people everywhere who wait for calls that will never come, and to acknowledge your autistic-like indifference to the plight of those of us who DARE to ping your email box with our resumes, I propose we re-brand your profession once again; let’s just call you social misfits what you are: person-null un-professionals.

What do you think, fellow working stiffs? What would you call these gatekeepers of corporate incompetence?